Is there a home for me? i really cant feel 'at home' anymore in my very own physical home, wats going on? y is my father keep forcing to do those 'church thingy' ? all he always speak of is : 'Go this seminar' , 'go that', 'must serve' , 'must not skip' .... have he ever pause for 1 moment to just ask about how am i? never hav i heard, its been so long since i hear him asking me 'how r u son' ? all son only wish to make their parents proud, and make them happy ... i too am no diffrent, im the middle son, its always been my desire to please my parents, altho i don fight for attention, i cant bear to always do watever they say when some of the things i do , i really don like it.... ex: when i was really hurt from my break up, they din giv a shit about it and kept scolding me when i stop serving a moment, and they kept talking about how bad my spiritual life is.... can they understand how i felt? my teenage life and theirs are from a difrent dimension, ppl's mindset change , and they kept forcing me to tink like them.... how the hell am i supposed to serve wif a broken heart? giv it all to JESUS, some say, if that can be done easily, i wud have done so.... asking me to read bible also isnt a solution at all....if it is, look at me now.... i did many bad things.
i yearn ... i really yearn for a proper parental love. but i m frustrated that wat i yearn and wat i get is always the opposite, they cant satisfy this hunger of love. how can i see my father in heaven's love when my earthly parents are all acting like this? when i tell them my problem tat i felt marginalised, they always say i a bit a bit jealous and tat i demand and complain so much....
i have ask of nothing more ever since im born.... im the only one in my family tat dont burn my parents pocket in a hole when it comes to education, i hate my curent course, and yet, i didnt complain a thing(altho sometimes i cannot tahan when they kpt scolding me non stop) ... yet when i ask for pocket money for my BASIC needs, it always seems like a mountain to climb. im 21 this year....wat have i achieve? nonthing.... low self confidence? i guess so.... im begining to lose the confidence and trust towards my self and God....
i feel far from God day by day.... i felt lonely and unable to change my curent situation.... everyday if i dont the 'christian do 的东西' , i wud be criticized.... i really am tired of these good works ....i cannot b a hypocrite all the time.... i need a time where i can be real. yes , im hurt, im actually very hurt inside.... but am waiting and seeking for solutions.... i need to feel it, not just see it, need to experience it, not just understand it
Sunday, August 30, 2009
WEEK 7 in USM
as usual.... clas class class la, this week i skip some of it coz Mid term coming ma , and i have a campm to attend so i scared i wont have enuf time to study... have to skip lo... still went gymn and everything. lately, my stamina drop d, very weak....
in class, totally no heart listen lecture, getting sick wif the same routine everyday.... i wanna go home, dont care le la, even if have to waste petrol also must waste lo....i miss my home.
went to Seoul Garden wif rach, fish, eve and hansen... long time din hang out wif them le, well, eve fish and her frend was very sohai, ask them go steamboat together, they went and eat 1st only come gurney.... dammit man, end up me , seng, and rach eat nia.... then later 7pm go watch another sohai movie, I love Beeth Cooper.... lousy show of romance ...bla bla bla!
went home on thursday , had to skip class for marketing on tomolo night, oh well.... boring....hope to have a great time in camp, but li hor, MID TERM exam kacau nia!!!
in class, totally no heart listen lecture, getting sick wif the same routine everyday.... i wanna go home, dont care le la, even if have to waste petrol also must waste lo....i miss my home.
went to Seoul Garden wif rach, fish, eve and hansen... long time din hang out wif them le, well, eve fish and her frend was very sohai, ask them go steamboat together, they went and eat 1st only come gurney.... dammit man, end up me , seng, and rach eat nia.... then later 7pm go watch another sohai movie, I love Beeth Cooper.... lousy show of romance ...bla bla bla!
went home on thursday , had to skip class for marketing on tomolo night, oh well.... boring....hope to have a great time in camp, but li hor, MID TERM exam kacau nia!!!
LLDS, 28th - 30th Aug
well... LLDS , AIESEC mia camp.... i went! wahahahaha~ cant belif i went to a society's camp!!! i cant believe it man.... here are the summary:
Day 1:
went to BAYU EMAS wif jaylin they all, made new frends in an instant, a few lansi boy from College( as usual la, college ppl all like satu macam one) .i was kinda reluctant to go la, they keep dancing those 'lame' dance'
we went into our groups, i m in Group 2, our group name was L.O.V.E. (losing our virginity effectively) and our role call was from the Barney and Friends mia song-i love you. oh well, our leader broke the egg shortly after it was given to us, how lovely. 1st day tio punishment d, get punished for not offing our light, whole group get it....have to pass Toothpaste from nose to nose. shitty, but fun, however, very embarasing la....
they taught us about identifying our personality....i m extrovert wif Feeling(fact based) and perceiving(lam nua a bit).there goes day 1 ended wif drinking 'water' competition.... wooo, good thing my group didnt win... hahaha! the drink was tasting HORIBLE
Day2
i planned wif Jay Lin to go back early le since she just found out a last minit assignment waiting for her to complete and pass up by tuesday. well... we had our ICX session, 4 hours wo!!! 10am-12pm, 12pm-1pm lunch, then 1pm-3pm lecture again, then 3-5pm lecture on Finance mia dong xi, then hor, we had a great simulation.... that taught us to work together and not go for your own benefit.
we went back and rest then had workshop from 8.15pm-11pm, then 11pm we had the DRAMA investigation thingy.... hehehe, nice also lo the commitee plan.....very well done i wud say, haha....i've been guarding my 'mortal' named florence for very long time and helping her wif her game and gave her food ....hmm, fun? yup, wanna go home? still yes la.... but youdian bu she de....anyway , i went back at 1am somthing, .... had supper then came home at 2.30am jor....cant be going church le la... so tired.... i got a bad feeling about tomolo.....
Day 1:
went to BAYU EMAS wif jaylin they all, made new frends in an instant, a few lansi boy from College( as usual la, college ppl all like satu macam one) .i was kinda reluctant to go la, they keep dancing those 'lame' dance'
we went into our groups, i m in Group 2, our group name was L.O.V.E. (losing our virginity effectively) and our role call was from the Barney and Friends mia song-i love you. oh well, our leader broke the egg shortly after it was given to us, how lovely. 1st day tio punishment d, get punished for not offing our light, whole group get it....have to pass Toothpaste from nose to nose. shitty, but fun, however, very embarasing la....
they taught us about identifying our personality....i m extrovert wif Feeling(fact based) and perceiving(lam nua a bit).there goes day 1 ended wif drinking 'water' competition.... wooo, good thing my group didnt win... hahaha! the drink was tasting HORIBLE
Day2
i planned wif Jay Lin to go back early le since she just found out a last minit assignment waiting for her to complete and pass up by tuesday. well... we had our ICX session, 4 hours wo!!! 10am-12pm, 12pm-1pm lunch, then 1pm-3pm lecture again, then 3-5pm lecture on Finance mia dong xi, then hor, we had a great simulation.... that taught us to work together and not go for your own benefit.
we went back and rest then had workshop from 8.15pm-11pm, then 11pm we had the DRAMA investigation thingy.... hehehe, nice also lo the commitee plan.....very well done i wud say, haha....i've been guarding my 'mortal' named florence for very long time and helping her wif her game and gave her food ....hmm, fun? yup, wanna go home? still yes la.... but youdian bu she de....anyway , i went back at 1am somthing, .... had supper then came home at 2.30am jor....cant be going church le la... so tired.... i got a bad feeling about tomolo.....
Friday, August 14, 2009
WEEK 6 in USM
well... asignment date is drawing closer and closer day by day..... presure is sure building up besides da mid term test coming up...
well, these few days, realy didnt study much yet, as for my social life, hmm.... getting bored in hostel , everyday same routine, im begining to feel so robot .... haih, tinking of staying at home again, coz i feel like a king at home ma. oh well, i dunno la. nowadays, LT no come USM ... i sien lo, everyday kept hoping and hoping for her to appear,lately also miss chin ling so much....dunno wats gotten into me liao.
anyway, i sure hope tat i can pass my exam well... this semester i really wanna 'piah' ...but no confident at all..... well, mid term break coming up, and nex week im going to KUANTAN wif hansen. hopefully can relax and enjoy myself, really feel no mood to enjoy la actually. i wanted to take a good rest de. dunno y tat time so excited to travel tat i agreed to go wif hansen they all. Ong , siang , sheng, all balik jor. haih... i plan to stay at home for 1 week when school reopens. kinda miss home badly le.
depression? yes, on thursday lo, coz of that song by SHE 'ai wo de zi ge' tat made me remember 'her' again. anyway, i had to move on and don tink about those thing liao le la... haha, she also moved on jor wif another guy, y shud i linger around and scold myself. ...haih, my sis took away my bible, and i didnt read it for 1 week.... spiritualy so dry .....!!!
well, these few days, realy didnt study much yet, as for my social life, hmm.... getting bored in hostel , everyday same routine, im begining to feel so robot .... haih, tinking of staying at home again, coz i feel like a king at home ma. oh well, i dunno la. nowadays, LT no come USM ... i sien lo, everyday kept hoping and hoping for her to appear,lately also miss chin ling so much....dunno wats gotten into me liao.
anyway, i sure hope tat i can pass my exam well... this semester i really wanna 'piah' ...but no confident at all..... well, mid term break coming up, and nex week im going to KUANTAN wif hansen. hopefully can relax and enjoy myself, really feel no mood to enjoy la actually. i wanted to take a good rest de. dunno y tat time so excited to travel tat i agreed to go wif hansen they all. Ong , siang , sheng, all balik jor. haih... i plan to stay at home for 1 week when school reopens. kinda miss home badly le.
depression? yes, on thursday lo, coz of that song by SHE 'ai wo de zi ge' tat made me remember 'her' again. anyway, i had to move on and don tink about those thing liao le la... haha, she also moved on jor wif another guy, y shud i linger around and scold myself. ...haih, my sis took away my bible, and i didnt read it for 1 week.... spiritualy so dry .....!!!
Thursday, August 13, 2009
my heart still search for u
here i am , day 5 of week 6 in USM , all of a sudden as i browse thru the SHE songs copied from a frend of mine--'ai wo de zi ge' , i m overwhelmed by the lyric, it talks about a girl's tinking of wat a guy who love her shud be doing. i feel like crying, but as im in my frend hansen and Ong room, i didnt wanna make a big deal outta it. i feel sad .... somehow, i question the new 'me' , didnt i moved on? didnt i told my self not to go back to depression and lingering in negative thoughts? well, i realized , i didnt make it, i failed somehow. perhaps the emotional attach is still very strong in my heart, perhaps i didnt realize how much i love u chin ling. how foolish of me to get angry over promises broken and opted for break up....
i wish, i wish....i REALLY WISH.... tat u will come back. i know tat ppl said tat once a new person enters my life, i will move on, but atm, i jus cant accept anyone else yet. y m i punishing myself wif someone who alrdy gave up on me alrdy? yes, i have hurt u, i have throw u into hopelessness for once, and u picked urself up thru the mission trips and group activities wif frendsss... however, i believe tat u do still miss me, consider me a fool who still hope for something.... this fool hope, i cling to everyday.... deep inside, i asked myself, were i like 'this' (current behaviour and actions) 1 year ago when u were still wif me? no, i have change into something tat i tot it cud conceal my hurt.... its FAKE.
well, writing out my feelings only makes me feel released of words. i just wanna say i still cling on dis fool's hope for u. i know u told me u have a new BF, consider it a punishment for me by god.
********I LOVE U Chin Ling*********I still do******if u do read this, pls believe tat we still can be together*******i pray tat we can meet and talk again one day***************
i wish, i wish....i REALLY WISH.... tat u will come back. i know tat ppl said tat once a new person enters my life, i will move on, but atm, i jus cant accept anyone else yet. y m i punishing myself wif someone who alrdy gave up on me alrdy? yes, i have hurt u, i have throw u into hopelessness for once, and u picked urself up thru the mission trips and group activities wif frendsss... however, i believe tat u do still miss me, consider me a fool who still hope for something.... this fool hope, i cling to everyday.... deep inside, i asked myself, were i like 'this' (current behaviour and actions) 1 year ago when u were still wif me? no, i have change into something tat i tot it cud conceal my hurt.... its FAKE.
well, writing out my feelings only makes me feel released of words. i just wanna say i still cling on dis fool's hope for u. i know u told me u have a new BF, consider it a punishment for me by god.
********I LOVE U Chin Ling*********I still do******if u do read this, pls believe tat we still can be together*******i pray tat we can meet and talk again one day***************
Sunday, August 9, 2009
the sad part
as i woke up in the morning ... doing my usual routine task, and there, i saw my mom kneeling down, interceding for the whole family, i m so ashamed of myself, wat have i done all these while but bring pain and sorrow to them?.... im saddened by the fact tat im quite useless in their eyes, always asking for money from them . i feel disgusted at myself . how lazy i am !!! and i hate my own attitude. im gonna change for better....
WEEK 5 in USM
tension building as it is...psycho refleksi diri to pass up soon, and another is the homework for M.Accouting.sien sien.... week6 will be even busier...plus, got mid term somore leh..
lately, at hostel quite bored, same old routine, im begining to feel bored la...shud i stay at home? but stay at home can study langsung... always can on9, swt.
well, i guess i gotta wait for my rumours tat im a 'playboy' to fade off b4 i can start talking to girls le. omg de, so many girls tink im cocky type, wat happen? im supposed to b the good boy type ma. sia sui lo. oh well, i met ci shen's junior, kinda cool, i dunno wat the hell they mumble everytime, they dare point their finger at me somore jus nw sunday when they belanja us eat at pizza hut. zzz....tat hansen went also, even without helpin out. lagi sia soi....ahahahaha~~~!!!
anyway, this week is not a good week, very much stress in a way im fully distracted by eyeshield and naruto, plus 1 piece.... i wanna study but im begining to lose the momentum d, looks like its really challenging to keep the tough going, like ci shen said, we all need discipline nia. abo we are doomed liao.
this coming week: less talking to girls, more sports and less online and movie, MORE study!!!!! grr.... li tong, i promise to get my 3.0 CGPA target!!! i will do it!!!
*************the feeling os missing 'some 1' sudenly fills me**********
lately, at hostel quite bored, same old routine, im begining to feel bored la...shud i stay at home? but stay at home can study langsung... always can on9, swt.
well, i guess i gotta wait for my rumours tat im a 'playboy' to fade off b4 i can start talking to girls le. omg de, so many girls tink im cocky type, wat happen? im supposed to b the good boy type ma. sia sui lo. oh well, i met ci shen's junior, kinda cool, i dunno wat the hell they mumble everytime, they dare point their finger at me somore jus nw sunday when they belanja us eat at pizza hut. zzz....tat hansen went also, even without helpin out. lagi sia soi....ahahahaha~~~!!!
anyway, this week is not a good week, very much stress in a way im fully distracted by eyeshield and naruto, plus 1 piece.... i wanna study but im begining to lose the momentum d, looks like its really challenging to keep the tough going, like ci shen said, we all need discipline nia. abo we are doomed liao.
this coming week: less talking to girls, more sports and less online and movie, MORE study!!!!! grr.... li tong, i promise to get my 3.0 CGPA target!!! i will do it!!!
*************the feeling os missing 'some 1' sudenly fills me**********
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