Is there a home for me? i really cant feel 'at home' anymore in my very own physical home, wats going on? y is my father keep forcing to do those 'church thingy' ? all he always speak of is : 'Go this seminar' , 'go that', 'must serve' , 'must not skip' .... have he ever pause for 1 moment to just ask about how am i? never hav i heard, its been so long since i hear him asking me 'how r u son' ? all son only wish to make their parents proud, and make them happy ... i too am no diffrent, im the middle son, its always been my desire to please my parents, altho i don fight for attention, i cant bear to always do watever they say when some of the things i do , i really don like it.... ex: when i was really hurt from my break up, they din giv a shit about it and kept scolding me when i stop serving a moment, and they kept talking about how bad my spiritual life is.... can they understand how i felt? my teenage life and theirs are from a difrent dimension, ppl's mindset change , and they kept forcing me to tink like them.... how the hell am i supposed to serve wif a broken heart? giv it all to JESUS, some say, if that can be done easily, i wud have done so.... asking me to read bible also isnt a solution at all....if it is, look at me now.... i did many bad things.
i yearn ... i really yearn for a proper parental love. but i m frustrated that wat i yearn and wat i get is always the opposite, they cant satisfy this hunger of love. how can i see my father in heaven's love when my earthly parents are all acting like this? when i tell them my problem tat i felt marginalised, they always say i a bit a bit jealous and tat i demand and complain so much....
i have ask of nothing more ever since im born.... im the only one in my family tat dont burn my parents pocket in a hole when it comes to education, i hate my curent course, and yet, i didnt complain a thing(altho sometimes i cannot tahan when they kpt scolding me non stop) ... yet when i ask for pocket money for my BASIC needs, it always seems like a mountain to climb. im 21 this year....wat have i achieve? nonthing.... low self confidence? i guess so.... im begining to lose the confidence and trust towards my self and God....
i feel far from God day by day.... i felt lonely and unable to change my curent situation.... everyday if i dont the 'christian do 的东西' , i wud be criticized.... i really am tired of these good works ....i cannot b a hypocrite all the time.... i need a time where i can be real. yes , im hurt, im actually very hurt inside.... but am waiting and seeking for solutions.... i need to feel it, not just see it, need to experience it, not just understand it
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